In a stunning development that sent shockwaves through the financial industry and caused several payment processing consultants to spit out their morning coffee, Visa and Mastercard jointly announced Tuesday that they will immediately and permanently eliminate all credit card processing fees for merchants worldwide.

"We've been thinking about it for a while," said a fictional Visa spokesperson named Brad, gesturing broadly at a podium that does not exist. "Merchants work really hard. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

Mastercard's equally fictional CEO reportedly added that the company had decided to refund all processing fees collected since 1966 via direct deposit, which should arrive "sometime next Thursday, or never."

Analysts predict that if this were real, it would save U.S. merchants an estimated $160 billion annually. Wall Street responded by absolutely nothing happening because this story is not real.

Small business owners across Asheville and the Upstate expressed cautious optimism, followed immediately by the realization that it is April 1st and they should probably call their merchant services rep.